The worst was over. So what could top that? I had lost the baby and been left with a sore womb and perhaps, one fragile fallopian tube. The other had ruptured because the fetus had developed to some extent and died in the tube. The doctor said I could still have a healthy pregnancy in the future. So that was quite comforting.
But before now, I’d never heard of an ectopic pregnancy, therefore, had no inclination of what to expect over the next few months. I thought I could suppress and eventually get over the trauma. I was so wrong and virtually went through hell and back!
These are some of the episodes I could bring myself to share with you.
I started hating my body and everything within it. Soon, my reflection became my arch enemy because it only reaffirmed the obvious. Half a woman with one weak tube, how could she possibly produce another healthy pregnancy?! I blamed myself for the unfortunate incident and wished my tubes could explain what really happened.
Terrified of sex
The thought of sexual intercourse was petrifying because I thought the past would re-live itself and this time, I would surely die. Few times I begged my husband not to touch me, and when he did, I’d race to the pharmacy for the ‘after morning pill.’ Imagine! I was now scared of getting pregnant!
For some bizarre reason, I no longer had the same affection for my son. I was numb to his best and warmest hugs, and I think he noticed. I occasionally withdrew, cried and craved for the baby I would never get to meet. Was it a boy or a girl? What did I do wrong or was it just God’s will? Questions which nobody had answers to.
I saw nothing but big bellies.
When I had to go out, a beautiful, blooming and rosy bump wasn’t far off. Pregnant women were everywhere. On the train, street, mall and a familiar sight at church. I couldn’t help but stare at what I desperately needed to make me whole. I’d gaze at the belly teeming with life, wishing I could stroke it, and hopefully, the spirit of the fruit of the womb would bless me.
Hopelessness or depression?
Naturally, I became hopeless despite all the support and encouragement from friends and family because there are some battles, which only you and the God you serve can fight. I was held captive by negative thoughts suggesting “Mrs. Ngozika, mother of one…” and I soon began to believe it.
At a point, I actually started considering the worst- “My husband and I would constantly be at each other’s throats then he would eventually seek another child outside wedlock.” This was no Nollywood blockbuster, but my life, and I was letting it go down the drain.
But I thank God for my husband’s understanding and patience. Some days, he was quite candid with his advice because I needed to hear the truth. My situation wasn’t going to be that bad unless I did nothing about it.
I did manage to pull myself together plus my son needed me more than ever. My husband was doing the best he could so I had to take control by casting my fears unto the ‘I AM the I AM.’ He gave me the first blessing and will not withhold another from me.
After four months, God did bless me and it was indeed a miracle. It does take quite a while for the body to recover so I was surprised to conceive quite soon.
If the unfortunate does happen, please don’t feel like you have to wait for the emotion to take effect. Depression can be severe and is no respecter of status, circumstance or fervency in Christian faith. Don’t let it take you down!