Yes, I’m too lazy. I don’t have the energy and this is why my marriage is “good”. Sure, there are people with great marriages but those ones have two heads, you just can’t see the other one with your physical eyes. Someone once likened a great marriage to ducks swimming, smooth and effortless on top when underneath they’re actually paddling like crazy!
Think about the most successful students, musicians, or athletes you know. You see them when they excel and receive awards and accolades. They’re always looking awesome and pumping their fists, and you’re never thinking of the nights spent studying while others were sleeping; the hours spent rehearsing, writing and recording, or the disciplined training and aching muscles.
It all just looks fun and exciting, pretty much the way genuinely happy and fulfilled couples look.
Once upon a time, I thought to myself, “If I’m going to do this wife thing, I might as well be freaking amazing at it.” I had a good marriage, but I was going to try for a great one.
Do you know any student who bagged a first class by studying just enough to pass? Do you know any businessperson who built a great business by doing the barest minimum necessary to keep a business going? You probably don’t, and neither do I. So I figured that in the same vein, no great lover becomes one by putting in the least effort they can get away with in a relationship.
I wanted to be the best wife I could be, and have the most fantastic marriage I could possibly have. And I knew that our doing just enough wouldn’t get us there. We both had to go the extra mile. I wasn’t ready for the discoveries that lay ahead!
The little things
In my mind, the picture was clear. I knew it wasn’t about spending a lot of money; it’s always in the little things practiced consistently. A good husband can pay the rent, school fees, and bills, and have sex with his wife regularly. That sweet text message, that unexpected hug, that unique gift that says “I was thinking about you”, that surprise massage, the old phone replaced before she asks, the mind-blowing sex that shows just how well he’s taken time to know her? That’s great husband stuff.
And the same goes for a wife. Any good wife can celebrate a husband who is doing great, but supporting and encouraging a despairing husband, using her professional skills to help him move forward in his business or career? Great wife stuff. Saying no to sex sparingly is good wife stuff; coming up with deliciously unexpected things in bed is great wife stuff.
I felt the idea was simple enough and I had grasped it. I looked forward to moving from good to fantastic. I suspected that thinking up ways to make my husband feel like a million bucks would actually be fun, and I knew that it was likely to rekindle passion over and over again, which in turn would energize us to keep going the extra mile for each other. I knew that going the extra mile wouldn’t be easy, but putting in that little extra that made the difference between good and great would be worth it.
Becoming a better me
I didn’t realize how hard it would be! I struggled so much, I could barely recognize myself? Is this me? How did I become this bare minimum person?
It turns out that taking care of myself first, dealing with things that distract me and drain my enthusiasm, and going beyond the call of duty as a wife, are things that require skills that I unfortunately do not possess.
So yes, I am too lazy to have a fantastic marriage. Does this mean I’m giving up on it? No. You can’t be a “50k “woman and expect to earn millions. You need to become a “millionaire” woman in order to earn millions.
As the saying goes, “How you do anything is how you do everything.” So I’m not giving up. I’m going to work on myself, build capacity, and become a fantastic wife.