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How To Be The Perfect Jobseeker In Lagos


I know what you are thinking. Why this? Why now? There aren’t really that many jobs to be had, anyways. All true and I thought about it myself but in the spirit of good humour, you may want to loosen up a little and also nothing lasts forever so while we may all be in (financial) trouble, here is hoping that we will be fine in the end. If you still can’t tell, this is a not-so-serious piece so bear with me. Here goes:

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  • Suit, suit and more suit: This is the standard requirement for job-seekers. If you don’t have a suit, look like you have one. As in wear a formal shirt with a tie-on. That is the only way to seem responsible when trying to get a job. You are probably thinking that is not true. I won’t say more than “your body will tell you for you”.
  • Hair: That your hair that you are training like a farm, better find a way to cut It. Anything other than ‘skodo/apari’ or low-cut is against the constitution. If you do anything else, not only will you not get the job, the lecture you will get will make you think about your life again and again.

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  • CV/Resume: I am not saying you should lie o. Just say what you don’t understand under that sub-heading titled Objectives. If you can’t speak English, hit me up. I have got you. Just make sure that place is spick and span (nobody uses that expression again but bear with me).
  • Rescheduling is for God: Reschedule? For what? For who? Who you? Do you know how many people are jobless in this city? You are very unserious
  • Security and receptionist are your best friends: Listen, if you really want to be employed o, treat those people with respect…. I don’t think you heard me. Those people are your gods. Treat them as such.
  • Your fellow candidates are not your friends. Tight your chest so that you don’t forget what you rehearsed from that YouTube video on how to kill it at interviews. The guy’s mouth might be smelling anyways. Remember what that “kowope” motivational speaker told you. “Life is an exam. Act as it”.

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David Okwara

Some call me David. Others, Emerie. Others, (unfortunate fellows) Biggie. I like to think that I have sense and that is why I write too. Otherwise, I draw and paint and sing (in the bathroom) and love to make people laugh. I love to understand how things work and that’s why I love DIY videos and YouTube of course. Follow me on Twitter @EmerieOkwara

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